


Alcohol Induced Feelings- 1

by Schweet



Category: Original Work
Genre: Depression, Essays, F/F, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Religion, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-06-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:34:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,147
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24677752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Schweet/pseuds/Schweet
Summary: I got drunk and real sad one night, here it the result





	Alcohol Induced Feelings- 1

I want to write like Hozier. I want to be the local cryptid. I want to make the stranger on the street laugh. I want to be the smartest person in the room. I want to make art that will hang in the galleries of queens.

I want I want I want.

I want so much yet have so little to give.

I want to believe I am a queen in my own right. I want to believe I am a warrior through my own making. I want to believe I am someone worthwhile.

I want to party with that bottle of whisky yet I have no one to dance with.

All these things I want to have, to be, to give, and I can have, be, give none of them.

My grandmother is turning in her grave at the wonderful life I have been given and am throwing away.

I want to have so that I can give. To write so that others can read and decide to live for one more day, as I have. To laugh and have others unable to not join in.

I don't even know what I really truly want

Right now I just want to get drunk and forget that I exist

Forget what I have been through and what I have yet to live

I'm drinking alone in my twenties in my parent's house, is there anything sadder than that?

If it's true that your twenties are for wasting time then I am bang on with the best of them, I am wasting my life, watching it seep through the cracks of the facade I have so delicately crafted but dropped so many times that the cracks out number the black holes in the night sky. The neighbours see me cry, the carion watch me starve, excited for their next meal, and God does nothing. He watches me fall apart and put myself back together over and over and over and over. And he switches the channel. He does nothing as I fan the flame of my soul, cover it with my own scarred body to protect it from the storm around me, my flesh charring from the flames and my body shivering from the rain soaked clothes I sewed from the scraps I have fought for. I am alone. Alone with my thoughts and the demons he gave me. “It’ll make you stronger” “He’s waiting for you on the other side” “It’s to prove your strength” FUCK THAT I just want to be the loved child that I am supposed to be. A father that truly loves his child would do anything in the fight against his daughter’s demons, he would not sit back and smile, waiting for the end. To either damn or hug in the arms of all she’s ever wished for. I know because I have a father. A father who fights for me and holds me up when he can do nothing else. He never, WILL NEVER just stand by and watch. He doesn’t just wipe my tears, he gives me a reason to smile on my darkest nights. And on days when the sun is eclipsed by the hate within my own mind he is there, he is all the stars that are otherwise hidden by the sun. He shows me the best of me. I want to be like him.

So here I am crying listening to Hozier and drinking whiskey on a Tuesday night wishing the world away and yet wishing it into my palms. My greedy palms. Right now I want nothing more than to feel important. A father is supposed to make you feel that. To feel loved. And He does not. He doesn't deserve my love if he’s never given me his. My mother would cry if she ever read these words. My worst fear is being abandoned again. And he has done that. Was he ever here? My dad never would, never could, so I love him, not you.

I’m so scared to write these words, so ready for the eternal damnation to strike me down. For the thunder to roll and the waters to come. To drown me in my own sorrows and doubts and my words against Him. Ready for the flames to lick at my skin and char my soul for the eternal trek of Time. I am so scared of the pit of fire, yet I don’t even truly believe in it.

My head is light but my heart is so damn heavy. It's a boulder sinking in the lake of my soul, dragging behind me, settling in my bones and weighing me down in my bed, preventing me from rising beyond the sheets.

I have nothing to be sad about. My life is wished for by so many and yet I can’t help but wish it wasn’t mine.

I’m so sad

How can they love me? If they ever truly knew who I loved and for how long, they would never look at me the same way, would hate me. My own mother wished it wasn’t true, why should she be disappointed that I turned out to love differently than she had hoped? I've never lived up to any of her hopes in the first place, why should my heart be any different?

I just want to cry. I want to cry and scream and be loved.

I want the world to fade out and I want my heart to be fuzzy along the edges, accepting the love that is offered by those around me. Not sharp as a knife and nicking the fingers of those who seek to soften it. I am terrible and can’t ever truly accept love so I will be alone forever, I cannot see a truth where I am not.

Because I love her. I love her and I can’t let it go. I always have and no one makes me feel like her. I just want to listen to her forever. To see her for forever. For her to still my hands when they shake with fear. To wipe my tears. I want to hold her, to wipe away her tears, to stand beside her against the world.

But she can never know. I have to look at her and pretend I don’t love her as much as I do. I don’t want anything but to be beside her every day. To share in her joy and bask in her laughs, to stand between her and all that seeks to disrupt her heart from the path it deserves. I want to help fan the flame of her soul, so that she may never be alone as I have been. So that she never needs to protect her own fire by herself.

I just want to love her. But I can’t. How do I let her go?

I'm just sad and drunk and I CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE. I've TRIED SO LONG TO HOLD IT BACK AND IGNORE IT but it refuses to be ignored anymore.

I want to go back to when we were kids. When my total and complete adoration of her was acceptable. When I could run with her across the fields, up the roads, through the dark, and under the stars and be the only one at her side. When I could hold her hand and no one would suspect a thing, even though my own heart betrayed me.

She could never love me the same, I know that. And I have to be okay with that. And I am, all I want is for her to be happy. And I know that’s not with me. It just hurts. So much.

I've never known I've loved someone before, and it's so much worse when you know but can never tell them.

I want to dedicate my poems, my books, my movies, my stories, my life to her. She has gotten me through so much and she doesn’t even know she’s the one who got me through it all. Just the thought of seeing her again has allowed me to put the blade down, to keep me from going too far so many times. And she can never know.

How do I always end up back here? Crying alone in the dead of night over the girl I can never be with. I just love her so much. I've never loved anyone this much, this solidly, this perfectly.

I want to see her, to talk to her right now, but I know I can never call her when I get like this because she will ask why I am crying and I cannot lie to her, I've never been able to. And then she will know, which she never can.

Why do I refuse to tell her? I don’t know if she’s 100% straight, or if she has maybe ever at least once thought about me like that. But she’s happy with him, because she tells me so, and I believe her and could never risk her happiness over some selfish desire of mine. I will always put her above myself. She is the angel to my sinner’s soul. The soft hand outstretched in love to my jagged edges drenched in my own blood. She is everything I could never hope to be. And that’s okay, because I love her.

So here I am, crying into my whiskey over my best friend. My straight, in a committed relationship, beautiful best friend.

So tonight I will just sit in my sadness. I will give myself tonight to think about her in the ways I shouldn’t, the feel of her hand in mine, my arms around her, my heart cradled in her tender hands. I will give myself tonight to pretend. To think about her in the ways I never let myself. And hope that it doesn’t hurt more.

I just love her so much, this isn’t fair. Why is the one person I have truly fallen in love with, completely and wholly with all of my soul, is the one person I can never give my heart? I want to let her in, to let her see everything, even though I’m so fucking scared she will see me as I truly am and she will run the other direction and never look back, but I’m so willing to take that chance. If I thought there was any possibility of anything, my barriers would crumble so easily in front of her and I would offer her my tattered heart in my trembling hands. The rejection would hurt less than this impossible pining. I wish I could craft some tragically beautiful lines depicting the extent of the wishfulness I hold within me, the sting of the tears that threaten to fall every night I let myself think of her, the lines on my skin that I DON’T HAVE BECAUSE OF HER, but I am not Hozier, I am not Hemingway. I am no poet. Just a lost girl who hides her heart from the one she loves the most.

She’s never gonna need me, but oh how do I need her.

I don’t want to go to sleep, I just want to stay up all night writing out all these thoughts and feelings and words before I separate from myself again.

I'm not nearly drunk enough to be thinking about this let alone be indulging in this train of thought. I need at least two more drinks before I'll be at the level of inebriation that I need to be in order to properly face this truth.

Did you know that I cried for a week when I realized I loved you? I was so depressed. The walls had fallen in on me and the wolves were howling, hunting for my heart, that long and dark week. I knew how impossible any happy outcome would be. We'll colonize Saturn before you could love me back. I want my head to swim the way my vision does, the tears threatening to overflow.

I don't understand. I had two shots of sake and four shots of whiskey. Why haven't I been taken away to the land that all alcoholics chase? My eyes burn from all the tears that I have shed and my thoughts are racing as my fingers struggle to keep pace with my electrified mind.

If I don't stop now I never will.

So goodnight to what I want, and goodnight to what I can't give. Goodnight to an absent God and goodnight to my father. Goodnight to the one that broke my heart and goodnight to one that I wish held my heart.

Good night moon and goodnight stars. Goodnight to whiskey and good night computer.

Goodnight goodnight goodnight

We'll see how this looks in the morning

EDIT: It’s fucking depressing it what it is


End file.
